I’m making a raunchy rap video (coming to youtube sometime early winter). And in the process, I’ve become acutely aware of the judgment people have around women talking dirty.
Initially, my girlfriends were all over it. When I first shared my rap song with them, they were all like, “You gotta make a video!” and “I wanna be in it!”
But a week before the first rehearsal, all but three of my dancers bailed on me. Each one had her own good reason. One’s boyfriend strongly objected. Another one’s business manager warned her that she would be risking professional suicide. Another one gave me a speech about how her sexuality was sacred and how she did not feel like she would be honoring it if she participated in the video. (Even though she was the first one to say “Fuck yeah!” when I put out the casting call). Yet another older dancer was afraid of looking foolish in her sexy outfit. But that was the point of having women of different ages, ethnicities and body types in the video! I wanted to empower all women in their sexual expression.
The overwhelming change of heart was discouraging to say the least. I felt a big wobble, as an artist, but more importantly as a teacher of women’s sexuality. Was I way off base with this particular project? Was I dishonoring women rather than empowering them?
Originally, I came up with the lyrics as a satirical, feminine response to the male dominated rap scene. Similar to Amy Shumer’s Fudge Machine, I wanted the dancers to both mimic and mock dancers in mainstream rap videos. On a more serious side, though, my dirty words are not only meant to shock, but to inspire women to claim their own sexual desire and its full expression, rather than just settle for being objects of male desire.
As I enter round two, I am more carefully screening the players, so I can have a team that can bring this project home.
At any rate, the resistance I’ve experienced in making this video has led me to question the deeper significance of talking dirty. And why slinging the slang seems to be more acceptable for men than women. In my coaching work with hetero couples, for example, the dirty talker is almost always the man. Some women like it when their man talks dirty to them, but feel shy or unable to talk dirty back. Men, on the other hand, love it when women talk dirty. Which makes me wonder why we don’t want to play. What are our subconscious beliefs around talking dirty? What makes some parts of our sexuality sacred and other parts not?
In my sexuality workshops with women, I have an exercise where I give women dirty phrases to say to one another. I actually write them down on little strips of paper and have them repeat the phrases word for word. At first, the women protest. “I can’t say this!” they laugh. “This just isn’t me,” they shake their heads. Initially, I tell them to imagine themselves as actresses in a movie and that these are their lines.
One woman speaks the dirty phrase while another woman witnesses. As each woman speaks her phrase, I encourage her to search for the aspect of her inner Goddess who isn’t afraid to talk dirty, who is unabashed in her sexual expression.
As the exercise continues, the women start to have fun. They play with their facial expressions and tone of voice. They don’t just say the words, they embody them. The exercise ends when the witnessing woman fully believes the speaking woman, which is when both women feel the buzz of sexual energy.
Across the board, women who initially resist this exercise feel a sense of liberation after participating. They not only feel more sexually empowered, they experience a rush of pleasurable energy flowing through their bodies.
Which makes me curious-what is it about talking dirty that evokes physical pleasure?
When my lover talks dirty, for example, I feel the pleasure of his desire for me. His desire then turns on my desire. But I first experience my desire as an object of his desire. Interesting.
So talking dirty has something to do with our ability to embrace and express our desire.
Knowing that desire, on a deeper level, is our power to magnetize and direct energy-if a woman has suppressed desire, perhaps talking dirty can help her to liberate this power. If all desire is interconnected, from its sexual base to the highest reaches of the soul, perhaps talking dirty can even help a woman to magnetize success and abundance, as well as sexual pleasure. Perhaps it can help her to release unconscious, stuck energy in her sex organs that can cause everything from infertility to disease.
Not that I’m any kind of embassador for cock and pussy talk, but the possible benefits are enough for me to want to experiment – even though my dirty debut may be misinterpreted as just another pornish looking rap video.
Like the zen master, who on occasion, must push her students out the window to shock them into enlightenment, I am both master and student. I hope I don’t break any bones.
Look for my “On Your Knees” rap video on youtube early winter. In the meantime, Session 6 of the Women’s Sexual Mystery School-Becoming Your Own Best Lover is Saturday September 5. You can sign up or get more info at www.SexualMystery.com. Can’t join us this round? Get on my email list and receive my free e-book, How to Make Men Flock to You – Secret Attraction Practices Every Woman Should Know. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts on talking dirty. Share this link with friends and spread the conversation. Love and Shakti, Lisa