Because I was introduced to sexual energy (through being molested by a relative) at a very young age, sex has been a driving force in my life, and a close companion, right along side of death and doubt.
After decades of being ruled by it, often violated and nearly destroyed by it, I’ve spent the last ten years attempting to master my own sexual energy.
If we don’t respect and value something (which is really a mask for our fear of it), we can never be the master of it. We can only ride sexual energy recklessly, hoping we don’t fall off and kill ourselves in the process. Similarly, if we think of sexual energy as something outside of ourselves, that is beyond our control, we can’t call this energy up at will, or wield it to create the necessary flow of mutual desire that can make or break our sexual experience. And we certainly can’t begin to learn how to channel sexual energy through our bodies and up our chakras, raising its vibration, transmuting it into creativity or divine direction.
When we are young and relationships are new, sexual energy flows without attention or effort. But as people and relationships mature, our sexual energy seems to dwindle.
When this happens we either settle for friendship and average once in a while sex, or for those of us who just can’t do that, we trade our old, sexually dried up relationships for new, juicier ones. We feel sad about our perpetual predicament, but helpless to change it. We both blame our sexual boredome and credit our sexual excitement to others. It never occurs to us that our sexual energy might be our own responsibility.
Whenever I feel sexually or creatively stuck, like today, I dance naked with my shadow.
Because my shadow is this beautiful, mysterious part of me. It has no face. It has no fat or wrinkles. It makes my ordinary human moves look creaturesque. I love to possess it and it loves to obey me. And my shadow never fails to awaken my desire, in that there is a certain polarity and unrequitedness between us. I long to merge with it and it longs for its existence.
But today my pretty dark muse is just a fluffer for my dance with myself in the mirror.
This self isn’t as easy to desire. She looks back at me with eyes of unworthiness and mistrust. And I see her self doubt reflected in all her bodily imperfections. In her I have to search for the Mystery. I have look past her seeming flaws for her creaturesque beauty. And in my searching gaze, I finally find her, intensely staring back at me-so clear, so ready, so full of love, she takes my breath away. As she begins to dance, I want to climb through the mirror and claim her in my arms, grab her by the hair and kiss her across the room and onto the bed.
This time, it’s me following her. My hips, my limbs move to her reflection. I’m no longer thinking. I’m in love.
If we want to have sex all our lives, it is not enough to love ourselves. We must DESIRE ourselves. Passionately, consistently desire ourselves. If we desire ourselves, we will always be desired and we will always be able to tap into our desire for others. Because ultimately, others are our Self.