As I practice devotional self pleasure, I feel a quantum forgiveness happening between my inner feminine and masculine aspects– a trust and a trust worthiness to love and be loved more deeply than I’ve ever known.
I’ve come a long way from the day my ex husband told me, “I’m going to destroy you and I’m going to enjoy it.” After the initial shock of his words, I remember thinking, “Wow. He’s reflecting a part of me that must really hate myself.” Though I wasn’t conscious of this self hatred at the time, I knew enough about the power of projection to not pin the villain all on him.
Over the years, I’ve watched this mistrust and even hatred between my male and female aspects play out in everything from my personal relationships, to the ways I sabotage myself, to the disconnection between humans and nature, to the disconnection between governments, corporations and people.
Self pleasuring has been a kind of meditation. Not an escape, but rather an entrance into the fire. After a year of cooking, the other morning, I had a very different reflection. A male friend of mine, who is the president of a successful commercial real estate firm, shared with me how he is promoting a woman to be a broker on his team. Apparently the commercial broker business is an all boys club, so the woman came into his office on her first day feeling overwhelmed. With both conviction and compassion my friend assured her: “I know you’re scared and that’s okay. But we will not let you fail. We will teach you everything you need to know to succeed. We are committed to your success.”
Hearing my friend’s words, my eyes filled with tears, imaginng what it would feel like to receive this kind of support every day.
And then it dawned on me. I don’t have to wait. I can say these words to myself! And I wondered why, up until now, I hadn’t felt capable of giving me this kind of support, and why I hadn’t felt worthy of asking myself for it and receiving it.
In birthing this Sexual Mystery School, there are mornings I wake up feeling like the woman on her first day in the commercial broker business. I feel scared to step up in my power as a woman in a world that can sometimes feel like an all boys club.
Just as capability and worthiness go hand in hand, so do trust and trust worthiness. Safety is the by product of the relationship between trust and trust worthiness. If we think of our feminine aspect as the unknown self to our masculine aspect, and vice or versa, it is only through trusting our unknown self, while simultaneously claiming our innate trust worthiness, that we experience safety. Incidentally, worthiness is the emotional component of the sex organs. Go figure!
As I become my own best lover, I feel myself resting more and more in my trust worthiness, while stretching my capacity to trust on both poles. Although I still feel my fear of failure, I feel how held I am in my brave daring. I feel my deep commitment to myself, my guaranteed success.
To end with a paraphrased quote from the Course of Miracles that has both haunted and comforted me over the years: “You denied Him because you loved Him. But because He loves you, you could not deny Him. “ Feel free to switch Him with Her. Either way, the words point to a wound in the human soul that has been so afraid to love and be loved, we have cast what we love into the subconscious, in attempt to no longer feel its existence. Thankfully, though, we can not deny what also loves us. You can call it God or the higher self or the divine masculine or feminine. But love will not be denied.
