How to Have the Sex You Really Want

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I’m always humbled to witness the courage of the women who come to me for private yoni work. I’m so in awe of their process and capacity to surrender. It’s cutting edge work.

As one woman put it, “I’m so aware of the part of me that wants you in there, that wants to heal and come out of hiding- and the other part that wants you OUT, that wants to not know what’s in there.”

 As I press up against that edge between Self awareness and Self denial within this woman’s fascia tissue, it’s like I’m pressing up against the edge’s of consciousness itself.

“I feel like I’m the universe,” she tells me. “And you are switching back and forth between being God and a violator.”

Thankfully, this woman trusts me implicitly. She knows she is safe in her experience of being penetrated by the unknown.

I’ve always had this secret fear that if I penetrate the world with the fullness of my being and expression, I will destroy it. I don’t necessarily feel this powerful. Most of the time, I feel far from it. I have no idea how I might be capable of such destruction or where this fear comes from. It just sort of swims below the surface of my conscious mind.

Nelson Mandela articulated this irrational fear of our power when he said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is not our darkness we are afraid of-it is our light.”

 Why are we so afraid of our light? I don’t have the answer, but I know from doing yoni work with women that this denial, this fear and even hatred of our light and power is very real.

“I hate you!’ the woman screams as I go in deeper. On one level, she is screaming at me for the physical discomfort she is experiencing – that I am seemingly “causing” by pressing up against stuck energy within her vaginal tissue. On another, she is screaming at past “violators” and at herself in unforgiveness. And on the deepest level, she is screaming at a greater unknown Self -that she tried to deny – that she tried to cast out of existence into her subconscious – because the love and beauty of this Self was too much to feel. And to open her heart to her God Self would mean her own egoic destruction.

“I feel like I’m going to explode,” the woman says, shaking. “I feel so much all at once. It’s all tangled up and pulsing together. Fear and rage, grief and reverence, desire and power.”

“This is how it feels to be God embodied,” I say.

 We are learning to be in bodies. To be conscious and even divine- to be honest and comfortable in our skin.

“I’ve never surrendered so completely,” the woman shares when our session is over. “I’ve had many beautiful sexual experiences, where I thought I was surrendering, but not like this.”

 This surrender of self into Self is the divine function of sexual union.

Though my sessions with women are non sexual, they are deeply sexual in the highest sense. Instead of penetrating women to “take” something from them-as many of my clients share is their experience with men-I’m giving women back to themselves.   I’m giving them back their vaginas and feminine bodies, free of objectification. I’m giving them back the power of their desire and pleasure by rooting them deeply in their own experience.

Men would be wise to take note. If you want to experience a woman’s full surrender, you must first give her back to her Self. This requires more stillness than movement, more spaciousness for feelings rather than drive to orgasm, more sensitivity and breath, more curiosity and communication, along with the underlying intention of holding space for your woman to simply feel deeply inside her self and to share her experience with you, if she’s willing.

In my sessions with women, I use my middle finger to explore the vaginal tissue, moving around the clock style, starting in the front, then to the left side, back, and to the right side. Unlike a pelvic exam, I’m feeling for sensitive spots that hold stuck energy. Sometimes I identify these spots by the way the tissue feels inside a woman’s yoni. Other times I can tell by her body language or facial expression that I’ve touched on a sensitive area. I might ask her to tell me what’s she’s experiencing.

Sometimes women will answer in physical sensations. Other times in emotions. They might answer in a statement of truth like “My pleasure is for me,” followed by tears. Or they might become aware of a belief that’s been hidden from them, like “I’m afraid of pleasure. Pleasure will destroy me,” while trembling on the edge of letting go.

 This intimate exchange is much more interesting to me than simply plunging my finger in and out of a woman and bringing her to orgasm.

The thing is, guys, you have to want this sacred connection with your woman more than you want your own orgasm. You have to even demand it. Because your woman won’t.   Because when a woman is in love, she wants to please her man. This is especially true for strong women who are ball busters in the rest of their lives. When we’re in love, we become cream puffs and often lose consciousness. Though we might seem like we’re surrendering, we’re actually deathly afraid of intimacy, and most of the time, our sexual satisfaction comes from your pleasure rather than our own.

 So if you want the honey of the Goddess, you have to work for it. This has nothing to do with sexual technique and everything to do with presence.

How present are you in your body? In your phallus, your lips, your fingers? How able are you to feel inside your woman’s skin and particularly inside her yoni? Not just for her pleasure spots, but for the places she holds pain- where the deeper pleasure lies. How able are you to feel for heat or hardness or pulsing or grasping? How sensitive are you to the specific emotions she holds there? How able are you to respond, pause and meet your woman in her vulnerable experience and expression?

Think about it. If you met a woman you really wanted to get to know, you’d begin with a conversation. You’d say something and she’d say something back in response. And you’d respond to what she said. And she’d respond to what you said. And so on.

 The same goes with a woman’s vagina.You know how you check out when your woman comes at you with a long winded monologue? That’s what happens to her when you unconsciously pound her with your cock.

Sex isn’t a monologue. It’s a back and forth exchange. Otherwise, there’s so real intimacy. You might as well be fucking a plush toy.

What sustains sexual connection is the combination of mystery and intimacy.   A hard cock will only get you so far. What a woman wants more is for her man to be able to penetrate her deeper than she knows herself – to give her back to her Self. Or as one of my favorite teachers, David Deida, says it – to fuck her open to God.

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