What if you knew you would never be met by your lover in the way your heart most desires? Or any lover for that matter? Would you feel depressed? Or strangely liberated? Would you pretend not to know? Would you keep trying to get rid of or rise above the sadness?
In some ways I feel more unmet by my current partner than I have with any other lover.
He experiences life only on the surface. He isn’t sensitive to subtlety. He is easily distracted by his thoughts, which keep him from having deeper experiences. All of the above contributes to his lack of spiritual and emotional intelligence. And yet I judge him for not fully seeing or meeting me!
At the end of the sexual intimacy workshop, we are each given a homework assignment. My homework is to offer my man what I most want to receive from him, not with the hope that he will eventually give back to me in the same way, but solely as a devotional practice.
Since he is still out of town, I decide to practice with my favorite lover, nature.
She is so happy to see me! She sings to me through the birds, teasing my clit through a hummer that sits above in the magnolia tree. She tickles my belly and nipples with her soft sighs and the back of my legs with her baby green hair. She floods my eyes with bright blue and my heart with jasmine and orange blossoms until I weep for how insensitive and distracted I’ve been, how long it’s been since I’ve laid still on the earth and felt her, received her in all her glory. My tears are met by a circling hawk, who pierces my awareness with its cry.
My longing to be met is the longing of life in every moment. Yet even in its longing, life offers itself constantly, devotionally, because its devotional offering is its sustenance.
You can call it love or self preservation. But the choice is always ours, to meet our longing by turning away from those we love, by turning within, or turning towards them.